COVID and ME
It was the year 2020, much like every other year and was the same for everyone till it became unlike any other year. Only, it was still the same for everyone and we were all cooped up in our selves as the rulemakers made new rules by the day and the naysayers opined in empty words. I am not new to loss, joy, thrill, bereavement, elation, love, enthusiasm, anger or depression, and neither are you which is what makes us all human and how we act upon each emotion is the thin line between sanity and madness. This time I learnt to be a better friend.
kanthe badhnami subhage twam jeeva sarada satam
And lo behold, usually theres a lot of hugging and crying(usually happiness) as 2 people marry to unite 2 families through the socially accepted marriage ritual. None of this happened in the wedding we had so painstakingly organised, with nothing stopping short in terms of entertainment or being unordinary. A famous person in a very famous sleeveless overcoat decided that very day the nation will observe its first ‘janata curfew’,one where he put the onus on the public by scaring them with both life and fines. And a first of many firsts, we probably conducted the very first ‘lockdown’ wedding in the country, in our own house, with vadhyars outnumbering the guests, with noone from the bride’s side. (Don’t think I mentioned though the bride is from Indonesia). The entire crossborder romance for my brother didn’t really boil down to a fairytale wedding or a funfilled honeymoon, but started with a gruelling 2.5 months lockdown, in a household of 6 people. I wrote many pages of my life during these days, as I discovered online teaching, spending time with and around family, zen-ning through tormenting moments, masterchef-like capabilities and dealing with life. This time also taught me how to be a better friend, daughter and sister.
At the very first whisper of freedom, me and my husband took the chance and flew out on the first flight to our city, as we needed to get to work where work took me to a physical workplace. And now it was just the two of us with a lot more time for ourselves, but lot more work as it was just us. Braving through this time was when suddenly another first happened- we got pregnant. Tough luck, the husband had taken up a new job which took him to another city, thereby bringing my parents back running into my life. To date, I shiver where do we go if not for parents. First trimester and I had to quit as my workplace wouldn’t give me the opportunity to work from home and the numbers of the dreaded flu were on the rise. Felt very motherly suddenly as my brain and heart were racing regarding what would be right, and I chose to accept the big responsibility I had towards the child as opposed to my career that I was fighting to build. So 3 months later I moved bag, baggage and tiny tummy to my new home. I had learnt to be a better friend, daughter, sister and wife.
Things were settling down and everyone was getting used to the flu like that annoying car reverse horn that plays every night, when that neighbour uncle reverse parks his old maruti zen. I went to my parents’ again for my delivery and I was back in my childhood room, this time around bearing child. Gearing for a normal delivery, I continued my regular checkups, walks, yoga, pranayama and my gynaec (actually my 3rd, had one in each trimester as each was in a different city) was quite reassuring that it will be a full term pregnancy. Here came my next first as my little baby decided to kick his way through and one fine morning, just into 9 months, he broke his little water bubble. Managed to reach the hospital amidst a lot of chaos and hurry, and the next lockdown was suddenly bearing down on us. After a few hours of pain and no relenting by nature, had to use force and it was to be an emergency C-section and suddenly in the evening I became a mother, a totally new first for me. Something I hadn’t experienced, a state of shock and disbelief. I had a baby and I was not sure if I liked him yet! No gushing love from deep within or no overpowering sense of emotion, nothing like they romanticize in books or movies. It was just a moment of achievement, like wow, I was capable of carrying that baby and bringing him through to the world and that thought brought a smile to my face as I felt that everything was fine. Over the next few days I learnt to settle into my new role for now I was friend, daughter, sister, wife and mother.
When I thought this was all, the flu started striking closer home and near and dear were getting affected by it. Fear of loss and the urge to hold everyone dear close became an overpowering one, and the biggest question in the head became, what if? And for the first time, fear became a close companion and caution became a rule of life. Lockdown or not, vaccine or not, medicine or not, the cost of life was immeasurable to become just another number, and the heart didn’t want another statistic that would become research data, insignificant to the world but the world to a significant few. Back in the new home, with the other set of parents, life had started moving on as time was now measured in the number of feeds, diaper changes and making the baby sleep. Only semblance of normalcy was in the shower, wherein those 10 minutes were totally mine and I had no way out, and would not be expected to rush to the baby for anything. I started enjoying these little bath breaks as if they were pure indulgences and didn’t want to rush into it just to finish off a chore. I learnt to make the most of what I had and it made a lot of difference. With the support of my husband and his parents, I tried to insert my feet back into the career quagmire, though I starting by just dipping a toe at a time. I gave it all while I could but now for once, I didn’t have time once I got home. I didn’t want to make time for work because the little monster would soon cease to be little. It was a different world as I knew it and I strived to be a better friend, sister, wife, mother but most of all, a better daughter (in-law).
It was time for my birthday, was looking forward for we had our first vacation planned from the day after. The flu came back rearing its head and my husband tested positive. It was pure conundrum, like a comedy of errors and I was thankful for the presence of parents again, for it would have been downhill in terms of spirit for me otherwise. As a first ,I went birthday gift shopping for myself as my husband had put it together already and I didn’t want to waste the money , and I collected my birthday cake (truly yummy but not really the flavour of the moment). Got back home and I was informed our house would be quarantined for 10 days and we couldn’t step out for any reason. Now it finally hit me, felt like the plate we had banged up when the same sleeveless coat man asked us to make some noise for the desi boys and girls. Ever the strong one, I took this too with a dose of zincovit and some steam inhalation, and tried to keep up the energies of everyone around. 2 days in, my heart stumbled once when my little darling started showing symptoms and when his body temp shot up to a 103, I couldn’t fathom how that small baby could take it all. The fever, congestion, irritability, not sleeping because of reasons he couldn’t tell, all of this and more made me cry but I wouldn’t show it to the world because I thought that was strong and it would reassure everyone that I was on point. A pillar of strength were the people my other parents (I don’t want to call them inlaws, feels second degree to me) had accrued over the time who sent us food and courage round the clock. It makes me wonder if 20 years down the line, something of this kind were to happen, will my baby have this support system to fall back on? I realised being social is an investment not only for mind and sanity but also for a rainy day. I questioned, is it enough to just be a good daughter, wife, sister, friend or mother? Do I have to give more of myself away, was I holding too much too close? This time of quarantine became a quarantine for the mind too, giving it the impetus to learn and understand.
Another first, and hopefully the last of the firsts for this period I hope, was when I finally got it -the flu, and all positive reinforcement in me started getting scraped at with a sandpaper. The tiredness hit me but I kept going, cuz it was nothing to me but the headache n leg pain that came with it sort of shook my determination. Even then, my little boy needed me and I needed to be strong for everyone which pushed me on. Its funny how people may call this ego, but I just call it faith in oneself because I hate being weak and that comes out as borderline arrogance. But after a point with the relentless headache, the nightly fever and the loss of taste and smell, for the first time I felt helpless. Felt the need for comfort, a way out for all the pent-up emotion and a ridiculous urge to cry for myself, a little dose of self pity. I thank God for everything, especially the support system that I was born into and married into, that has kept me sane and gunning to go on with full gusto. At this point of life I realise I just need to be a better ME, which in turn will make me a better friend, daughter, wife, sister and mother.
You can choose to judge me for this, but I write this because it makes me feel heard and helps cope with the many issues that surround the mind. It is not my wish or aim to hurt anyone or undermine someone's loss or grief or sound condescending. Neither am I giving you any advice, because i don't think I am eligible or even can give you anything but unwavering support, no questions asked. Its not pity. Its just me trying to better myself.
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